Former Prince Andrew Receives Birthday Gift of Detainment

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, born Andrew Albert Christian Edward, was formally known under a few titles: Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, that guy who seems to have definitely raped young girls at Epstein's island.

Now, he has a new title: detainee of the British government.

As of this morning, on his 66th birthday, former Prince Andrew has been arrested on "suspicion of misconduct in public office." Of course, a realistic charge would be "suspicion of obviously being an abusive sex pest," but y'know, sometimes it's easier to just use a random lower level, simpler charge to get someone. Ask Al Capone.

You might be wondering: how does one's life arc from royal military hero to disgraced sex pest? Well, rather easily, it seems:

A Complete Timeline of Former Prince Andrew's Career Pivot from Royal to Internationally Loathed Child Abuser

• February 19, 1960: Andrew Albert Christian Edward is born to Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip
• 1980-2000: Andrew serves in the Royal Navy and flies helicopters very good
• 1999: Andrew meets a cheeky lil' guy named Jeffrey Epstein through Ghislane Maxwell
• 2010: Andrew is pictured hanging out with Epstein after Epstein's release from prison. Andrew would go on to claim that he was there to "end the friendship," something you can famously do without doing... that.
• 2011: Virginia Guiffre alleges that she was trafficked to have sex with Prince Andrew at Epstein's island
• 2015: Guiffre files a defamation lawsuit which kicks up more dirt around Andrew's already spiraling image
• 2019: Andrew does an interview with BBC in which he royally (hehehe) fucks up and causes an even worse PR disaster despite presumably doing the interview in an attempt to smooth things over
• 2025: By this point, his titles have been stripped, losing the title of "Duke of York" as well as "Prince," becoming "Just Andrew." Or, I guess Andrew.
• February 19, 2026: 66 years after popping out of the warm embrace of his mother's womb, Andrew is picked up by the warm embrace of British authorities, as they arrest him for "suspicion of misconduct in public office"